The Perfect Choice

In relationships, I am often asked if I believe there is a soulmate for each of us?  Do I believe in love at first sight?  Do I think happily-ever-after can really exist?  Is there a perfect choice for each or even any of us?  These questions are frequent guests in my counseling practice and they usually come from people who are disillusioned at the time the query.

Well, let me start by saying, yes, I believe that all those questions have an affirmative answer.  I do believe there are people in the world that can be soulmates for each of us.  I do believe in love at first sight.  I do believe that happily-ever-after happens.  And yes, there are perfect choices for all of us.  Those are the simple answers.

Let me be a bit more specific to those questions.  If we get to know someone and we feel that we have a connection with that person, then they may be a soulmate.  I don’t necessarily feel that our soulmate is always the best mate for us.  Sometimes, they are the best friends that we will have, but not necessarily the best person to be married to depending on the circumstances.  I identify soul mates as kindred souls/spirits that we share a deep connection to and this doesn’t have to be a spouse.  It can be, but I say yes to the question because I don’t believe it has to be.

I also believe in love at first sight.  I even know that people can fall in love very quickly and end up 60 years later still very happy together.  I know a few couples where this has happened. Does this happen often, NO!  Often love at first sight means being attracted to a particular look/body type.  If this is as deep as it gets, then the relationship will not last because that’s not love at first sight, that’s, at best infatuation (at worst, lust) at first sight.  Neither infatuation or lust possess all the quality and commitment that comes with love and therefore neither of those is  really designed for long term relationships.

I believe that people can have happily-ever-after.  But my happily-ever-after may be quite different from yours.  We have to choose it and work at it and understand that every day won’t be great, but in the end, we are happy with our mate and with our life and that’s a great feeling.  No one, not even a fairy tale, can tell you what YOUR happily-ever-after is, you have to decide that for yourself.

Finally, are there perfect choices for us as a mate?  Yes, there are.  We must decide what we want and expect in a relationship and then accept that the person we choose doesn’t have to be “perfect” in order for them to be perfect for us.  Even the best relationships have challenges and if we show patience and acceptance of each other, then that person may in fact be the perfect choice for us.  Each of us has to decide what “perfect” means because it is different for everyone.

Relationships are hard work that shouldn’t always feel hard.  Good relationships do not just happen, they must be maintained and nurtured.  If they are neglected or ignored, then none of the above is likely to happen.  If they are cared for, then all of the above is very possible, even likely to happen.  Just remember, relationships must be maintained by both parties!  If both parties are working together on the relationship, then success is almost guaranteed!

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